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Just Dreaming


Dreams, goals, aspirations.


We all have them, some may be small or large. Either way we have them.

I was told a couple years back that it was time for me to dream again. I was taken back by it at first, what are my dreams? I couldn’t answer the question. I don’t have time for dreaming or at least I didn’t. 

I was thinking about this blog today, about what I needed to write next. The day was kind of crazy, since October it’s been kind of crazy. Things breaking - big things, and not little, inexpensive things. Things that were not budgeted for and darn it we are trying to pay off the kitchen update and Suburban. The faucet is leaking, not just a little anymore and we can’t put off buying a new one any longer. Both front windshields on our vehicles grew massive cracks in the cold, and the Impala’s had to be completely replaced. 

The bedroom fan motor all of the sudden just stopped during the night, and we use that fan even when its below zero outside! Oh and our vacuum, stopped suddenly days before we had out of town friends coming to stay with us. Thank goodness for 30% off coupons at Kohl’s. Only to realize a day later that the vacuum had a bottle cap stuck the top of the hose handle that I didn’t see.  So that’s two working vacuums for us now....

And then there’s the kids. Starting in December, Levi with his random fever virus and was home for 4 days and then turns into coughing. He is so kind that he shares it with his little sister. She coughs for 4 weeks, no one who resides across the hall from her sleeps (Jason & I). Our oldest, Bryan falls and hits his head at school in January. Has a legitimate concussion and is home for a week. Taya gets an ear infection and sinus infection the end of January, remember that 4 week cough? Yes, we took her to the doctor before it developed into ear and sinus infection developed. 

I so graciously got vertigo the last week of January. Had bloodwork done to make sure everything else was normal. Bryan’s had 3 migraines over the last 4 weeks. You know, life in a nut shell.

So why I am I telling you all of this?
And what in the world does it have to do with dreams?

Well as I drove my oldest to the doctor’s that morning on the back road because the highway was shut down, I didn’t know if I was going to make the appointment on time. Icing on the cake, right? I called the office to let them know I was on my way. In fact, I left an hour and fifteen minutes early, not everything goes as planned. I cried on the phone as this poor lady had to listen to me try to hold my composure as I told her I was trying to get there.

What are my dreams? 

I am so grateful that all of our basic needs are met. We have food, water, shelter. We are healthy, safe, and loved. 

So get to the point, what are my dreams?

I dream of being able to have my daughter Taya not miss preschool like she did that morning because we were on two hour delay, my son’s migraine appointment was at 11:15, and I couldn’t get her there. We only have one driver. Levi had to ride the bus, if I was able to get her to school and make Bryan’s appointment on time, I wouldn’t have been back on time to pick her up. She wouldn’t have anyone to bring her home.

I dream of a life when my boys’ sports practices are on the same day and close to the same time that Jason and I don't have to weigh out which kid at this point holds more priority because I can’t be in two different places at once. 

I dream of a life when one parent can take one kid to their activity and the other parent can take the other kid to their activity. Of a life where one  parent can take a kid to an appointment or whatever and the other parent can stay home and make dinner.

I dream of a day when I am not the only driver. I dream of a day when the vehicles have to go to the shop, that I have someone to pick me up and no longer have to wait. I dream of a time of traveling together, having Jason drive and me sitting in the passenger seat. You know, simple things.

I dream of the day when my husband sees his kids for the very first time. I dream of seeing his reaction when the images he has imagined over the years since they were born comes into comparison with reality. When he can look back at all the pictures I’ve taken over the years and see what he didn’t then. 

So why do I tell you all of this? Not for sympathy. Sympathy only allows for me to be stuck in a woe is me, victim mindset. 

I tell you all of this because I want to be real and authentic. I want to share my problems because life isn’t always a rose garden. I want to say hey, life is good but sometimes it’s also really a struggle. 

Yes, today and the past couple of months have been throwing us some low blows, really below the belt but here we are pushing through. 

Yes, it maybe frustrating dealing with the “abnormalities” we have on top of normal life issues. Maybe living a life without what makes us “abnormal” would make daily challenges easier but we sure wouldn’t have the ability to spend as much time together or with our children. We have the ability to set our priorities and push to focus on each other and our kids.

 I’ve talked a lot about how we are with each other 24/7 and by no means is that a burden to us. Other    folks in our lives may have ideas of what we should be doing but at the end of the day I refuse to despise the season of life we are in.

Thank God we have people like my parents who do whatever they can to help. They lay down their lives constantly to make sure that we can get our boys to practice, weekend games and tournaments. Our boys couldn’t participate in sports at the same time if it wasn’t for my parents. It’s as simple as that, they are a Godsend. 

Grateful for my brother and his beautiful family who I know would also help us with anything when we are in a bind. My sister and her fiancé who even though they are over a thousand miles away in Chicago, are really only a call away.

Yes, life is rough but if I get too caught up in what’s not working, what seems to be pushing back against us, or what abnormalities we have that hinder us, then that’s exactly where I am at.

Caught up. Focused on everything that’s lacking instead of everything that present.

Yes, I may have cried on the phone that day. Yes, that poor lady probably didn’t know what to do with me, but here I am writing and sharing. Not so afraid of what I am feeling, more willing to admit it to myself and accept it in the moment. 

Going for open book status.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

That was written a month before Covid-19, before it made it’s grand entrance into all of our lives. Before people became essential and non-essential. Before shelter-in-place became a regular vocabulary term in our everyday lives. Before homeschooling combined with online learning through the schools and wondering what stay-at-home moms actually do with their lives. I am a stay at home mom and I’m still trying to figure it out.

As I sit here to edit and add to this post, it’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is shinning, Pike’s Peak is dusted with snow and I can hear the birds chirping. Yet, I believe we all are wondering when all of this will end.

I am.

We probably all have lots of dreams right now. Maybe some of us are just dreaming of getting out of the house. Just dreaming of the kids going back to school and not having to pretend like I have a clue when it comes to homeschooling my kids. Our teachers deserve so much more than they get, no lie.

Maybe just dreaming of going back to work. Dreaming of being able to see and hug our older generation family members again. Dreaming of aisles stocked with toilet paper, paper towel and facial tissues again. Grocery store aisles fully stocked and no one stock piling. Dreaming of an answer, a solution, a cure.

I’m not sure what everybody’s dreams are like right now but I do know that now is not the time to stop dreaming. Maybe dreams don’t have to go far beyond the next couple of days, the next couple of weeks, or even past the next month.

Just keep dreaming.

Hope lies in our dreams, no matter how big or small.

And dreams change the world.





Comments

  1. My sweet friend....so good! You are an encouragement in an uncertain world and a bright light of hope to all who struggle....which is all of us if we were an open book like you! Love you! Keep writing!

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